My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
