When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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