I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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