We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
