That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
