I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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