I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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