I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
