"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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