Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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