he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
