I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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