I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
