EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
