I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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