so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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