Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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