this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
