i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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