You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
