i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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