do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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