Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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