when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just cropdusted the office
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
