Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
