How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
