I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
