My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
