you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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