My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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