she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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