I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
