Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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