this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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