My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
