Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm like, not good at living.
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