Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
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