Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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