Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
