I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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