the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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