can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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