Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
