Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
