Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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