Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Randomize
