Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
