my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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