If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
