dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize
