Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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