I just saw a hot homeless man
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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