I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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