I faked an abortion last night.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
