Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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