I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
